A year ago today, I fell out of a tractor while working with my father on our family farm. It had been barely a week since I had graduated college, and was approximately a month before I would start working at my new job.
This is the tractor I fell out of a year ago, in front of the trench that it was in when I fell out.
I remember as I was falling out of the tractor how much time I had to think. About where I should put my hands, whether or not I should try to hold onto something inside the tractor or push myself out further away from it using my feet.
And how after I had made my decisions, I accepted that I had done everything I could and closed my eyes. As I first fell out I was overwhelmed with fear, but by the time I hit the ground I was not afraid anymore. I felt weirdly calm, because I knew I had done everything possible in that moment and accepted my decisions. It all happened within a minute, but by the time I hit the ground I was at peace.
I wish I could say I’ve been somehow actively applying this life experience or lesson in my life a year later, but I feel that I just keeping becoming more anxious, and it has only been increasing as time goes on. There’s so much pressure to know what your doing; this year, in ten years, for brunch. And all of it, even when it is meant to be fun, can be stress inducing.
My hope is that over the course of the next few upcoming months I can let go a little bit more of the stress I’ve been letting build up. And remember to be thankful for what I have in every single moment and approach each day with a open and calm attitude.
I ended up being mostly fine after falling out of the tractor, likely due to an adrenaline rush that made me unaware of any pain or injury. It was only a month later I figured out my should was dislocated. I was able to reset it, but every once in a while becomes uncomfortable.
I am very lucky to have two younger sisters, both of whom love me dearly and are willing to call me out on my crap. I am a procrastinator, and repeatedly will make excuses as for why I have not done, or started doing, something. In other words, anything.
Enjoying Villefranche-sur-Mer in France. Travelling was a goal of mine this past year, but now it feels like I’ve hit a slump.
I will admit – my excuses normally are sensible and sound like legitimate reasons, but they are just diversions I make for myself to put off actually working on and achieving my goals. My youngest sister last night was very kind to remind me that every time I start talking about what I want to do, I always bring up why I have not started yet.
She asks me the tough questions – like why haven’t you started?
Why is that stopping you?
Is that really what’s stopping you?
What do you want to do Sarah?
And I think that is the hard thing. Because I know what I am doing now is not what I want to be doing the rest of my life. But at the same time the answer to what I want to do is not evident to me yet. I will admit I have ideas about what I want, but I feel like my answers are always shifting.
In some ways, I know I am not alone in having these questions. Many of my friends are also at this stage in life where they have finished their education and now need to figure out what they are going to do – get more of an education, find a job, pick a career path?
My sister told me I should write down my goal – my big broad minded career goal – and then write it in detail. And then write each step as to what I need to do to reach it. Or at least aim close enough to it. Sometimes I think she knows me better then myself (other times not at all, but that was not the case). And I did partially do this already, in my post about Envisioning the Future: Creating my Life Goals, but people are always changing. And while I still want to achieve those goals, none of them directly address the challenge she has given me.
So I promised her I would work on it. (And yes, I have started, but I feel like I need to take some time to reflect on what I am thinking). Lately I’ve been very aware of how I focus so much on what my big goals are I can’t decipher or enjoy the little ones. So I think I will work on that first, to help me achieve my bigger goals – and decrease my stress about the little ones.
In daylight? In sunsets? In midnights or in cups of coffee? While these are all ways to measure a year (and the lyrics to Seasons of Love from the musical Rent), I tend to measure my year by thinking about how I spend each hour of my day, and what I accomplish in that time.
A sunrise in Vero Beach, Florida. Not a sunset, but pretty close.
I will admit- this is definitely not the most exciting or cheerful way to think about time. But lately it has been all I think about. Monday through Friday I have the same routine. I sleep for about eight hours, work for eight hours, and have a commute that can range anywhere from taking an hour of my day to two hours depending on traffic. (I have broken this down in a visual below. I first saw days presented this way by Casey Neistat, a YouTuber (whose schedule I will admit is slightly insane).)
A visual of how I spend my time during the work week.
That means on an average day I have 17.5 hours where I already assigned tasks or needs to take care of. This leaves me with approximately six and a half hours of “free” time each day to do what I need or want. (However, I would consider my morning routine set in stone, so I could argue I have closer to five and a half hours of free time, but none of this is relevant.) This time each day should be enough to work on goals, run errands, catch up with friends and make nice dinners.
So why do I obsess about how I spend my time? Because my life feels off balance. A major part of this is because I feel that during my work day little is getting accomplished in terms of personal goals. My job does not act as a creative outlet, and many days I struggle to remain busy. It is also partially related to the fact that I set goals to achieve outside of my job, which require a substantial amount of time to complete.
Another reason I believe I feel off balance is likely because of my reliance on the internet. While my job requires me to use a computer on a daily basis, I find that even during my free time I gravitate to being on electronics. Whether it is to catch up with friends, watch a movie or a YouTube video, it’s a prevalent part of my life. And in some ways, it is detrimental.
Hiking with a friend near Nice, France where I had no use of my phone or the internet.
Solutions to feeling off balance can sometimes be simple, while other times they just sound simple. For instance, writing on this blog is one way I try to find a creative outlet to help balance my life. However, feeling more accomplished where I work is complicated and requires planning. Setting achievable goals is another way to help balance my life, but many of the goals I pick are challenges because I do not want to take the easy options and just check something off a list.
The internet in itself is a completely different monster. It may just be the best worst invention. Being able to find information and connect with people around the world is amazing, but it sometimes feels like it is a part of every aspect of life. It can be especially hard to separate from when most jobs and businesses now rely on it to be successful. In day to day life, it also has become acceptable to use your phone in almost any setting, whether it be to answer a question or just for entertainment.
Already I have begun to take conscientious steps to try and balance my life. Figuring out how I spend my time is just the beginning. Keeping track of daily activities and my productivity is just part of my next step. I don’t have solutions to all the questions I have about balancing my life. But that in itself is part of life- learning to manage it and adjusting to each new phase as it comes along to grow and be a better person.
Chasing serendipity 